JesusAndMe<3

bohofem @ 2009-11-08T20:05:00

2009-11-09T04:04:46Z

Thank God for Urban Dictionary or I'd never know when people from the UK were making sexual advances. And I NEED a sexual advance.

bohofem @ 2009-03-11T23:07:00

2009-03-12T06:09:43Z

The work was good today. Thank god the dry spell passed over for at least one class. My preparation and exercise were wonderful and I was active in using my body to fight resistance and keep the work going. Hedy said, "our tools are the fucking best there are, man" and I pretty much trust her when it comes to acting. Pretty much.

bohofem @ 2009-01-12T11:40:00

2009-01-12T20:06:42Z

After seeing slumdog millionaire and grabbing dinner with Ever and Michal at Basix yesterday, I went over to C.J. Ward's house with a pizza. I entered his place and found him deliciously robed in only boxers. I held him for a moment, and he told me he needed my help with something. For the next half hour or so I shaved his back and shoulders for him in the bathroom. Oh, intimacy. Just when you think you're going to get sex, you find that you're going to get to know every inch of your partners back in a whole new, humbling way. Hopefully I'm worth keeping.

bohofem @ 2008-12-23T02:26:00

2008-12-23T10:32:05Z

Is this a fuckin video game? stages `n shit. OKAY, last stage... and then what? Am I going to have to savor the sensations of being wrapped around him in his big, comfy recliner for the rest of my life because ... I'm very confused about what I'm feeling. people are people... I don't want to hear about disabled, okay? I WILL HELP YOU. please just .. something.

Stage 1: During this initial phase of the disease, a patient usually experiences mild symptoms. These symptoms may inconvenience the day-to-day tasks the patient would otherwise complete with ease. Typically these symptoms will include the presence of tremors or experiencing shaking in one of the limbs.

Also during Stage 1, friends and family can usually detect changes in the Parkinson's patient including poor posture, loss of balance, and abnormal facial expressions.

Stage 2: In the second stage of Parkinson's disease, the patients symptoms are bilateral, affecting both limbs and both sides of the body. The patient usually encounters problems walking or maintaining balance, and the inability to complete normal physical tasks becomes more apparent.

Stage 3: Stage 3 symptoms of Parkinson's disease can be rather severe and include the inability to walk straight or to stand. There is a noticeable slowing of physical movements in Stage 3.

Stage 4: This stage of the disease is accompanied by severe symptoms of Parkinsons. Walking may still occur, but it is often limited and rigidity and bradykinesia are often visible. During this stage, most patients are unable to complete day-to-day tasks, and usually cannot live on their own. The tremors or shakiness that take over during the earlier stages however, may lessen or become non-existent for unknown reasons during this time.

Stage 5: The last or final stage of Parkinsons disease usually takes over the patients physical movements. The patient is usually unable to take care of himself or herself and may not be able to stand or walk during this stage. A patient at Stage 5 usually requires constant one-on-one nursing care.

Reviewed by the doctors at The Cleveland Clinic Neuroscience Center.

bohofem @ 2008-09-22T05:50:00

2008-09-22T12:51:46Z

The "Meth: Not Even Once" campaign makes me so giggly and obedient at once!
Good job. Edgy without being pointless.

bohofem @ 2008-08-15T15:40:00

2008-08-15T20:43:53Z

Best Moment of Today:

[while purchasing books at Borders]

"Alright, so that's $65.75, and I'm taking 20% off the total for Becoming Orgasmic." -young bookselling gentleman
"Awesome! What a good day!" -me

Not only did I milestone it by purchasing my first sex book [all by myself], I got 20% off my purchase and a really great quote!

bohofem @ 2008-07-30T12:13:00

2008-07-30T17:14:36Z

thank you for the lovely birthday wishes, my girls :)
sorry about the phone call, emmy... I'm not really sure what happened, but my phone started going berzeerrrk for the next hour.

love you :)

bohofem @ 2008-07-21T02:53:00

2008-07-21T08:03:16Z

Sometimes life makes you feel all yucky and drug-induced.
Sometimes you treat the people you love more than your own life with irritation and disrespect.
Sometimes the will to get up in the morning doesn't quite outweigh the desire to lie and get out of a commitment.
Sometimes you don't love the job you're choosing to get paid for.

As long as this stays sometimes.
And not Being.
As long as hope and holding on prevail.
As long as you weep with a quarter ounce of irony
and a bewilderment at the mind of it all.

The clouds will pass.
The children will laugh,
and you will too.
the silver lining will become
blinding gold.
once again.

You will be adored.
For the universe already has more in store for you than you could possibly ask for.
but, ask anyway, it whispers.

I felt dead.
I looked death.
It wasn't so bad.
It was awful.
And I worked.
And I reap.
And the universe spins me around.
dear april, we told you we'd have something good.
something to make this decision
eveeeeeeeen more
enticing.
and satisfying.
Everything you have to do...
you have already done.
Let your 80 children know how much you love them.
dance for your partners and customers.
smile at your rivals.
accept your compliments and the right to the throne.

bohofem @ 2008-05-23T03:00:00

2008-05-23T08:01:48Z

best day yet:

beowulf with dad
acting with sasha steinburg at mahomet high school
coffee with sasha
dinner and fun with the bechtels
late night fun with angela marcum, kinzie cornell and my dad.
sista, sista.

bohofem @ 2008-05-20T20:02:00

2008-05-21T01:03:29Z

I feel really homesick and sad.
I'm not sure it it's homesick, but...
you know, when something is wrong and there's an obvious maybe-solution like being at home...
I feel really sad and addicted to medicine and I hope it suns soon.
and the work thing is stressing me.
more good things later.

bohofem @ 2008-05-17T02:25:00

2008-05-17T07:38:15Z

I am here! The darling Illinois! In urbana! Home of... well, just being able to summarize people as "urbana people" makes me so happy!

My apartment is fucking massive, and I pay $300 a month with utilities and wireless included.

Speaking of wireless... we don't know what the password is so I have to use the weak signal of a different network.

It is named, "SLATHER ME IN BUTTERSCOTCH." It is so chambana to be in my house and viewing the 15 or so networks around me. Examples: "fuck", "pancakes", "pythagoras", "roflmao" and "Mr. T's wild ride."

My room is so much bigger than the one in socal. and it springs forth with such inspiration! I am so happy with it! I don't have to try hard, and it is just so beautiful. Two windows. One points toward Illinois street. I can see the urbana houses, which are scenery in themselves. Old, huge and sexy in a way that will always scream champaign-urbana to me.

After arriving yesterday, I went straight to a film reading. And not just any film reading... the reading of Jen and Erika's beautiful film that has been in-the-making for three years. Kinzie, Sasha Steinberg and I carpooled. Blasts from the past! And it was so, so beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful women!! my god, its quality surprised the shit-pants off of me.

I wish everyone could come visit! It is such sunlight!

My polish roommate, michael [pronounced MEE-HOW] is fucking hilarious and so is his girlfriend Basha.
Jesus.
I must film this world or something.

Auditions are tomorrow!
My first time on the other side!

And I wish my sweet baby was wrapped around me. I could light the Big Lots candles I bought, and we could rock away on the old, springy mattress with wheels. <3. The chemicals in my brain, and, hopefully my soul, are crazy for this man. Dear man: let me just fill you up with my love!!

bohofem @ 2008-05-09T14:23:00

2008-05-09T19:24:40Z

oh my god,
I think that fucking vibrator
just gave me an orgasm!

I'm going to la mesa now.

bohofem @ 2008-04-20T16:02:00

2008-04-20T21:03:28Z

Love you, beautiful Ayesha.
So wonderful seeing you these past two days [haha].
Good luck in the land of the orleans.
<3

bohofem @ 2008-04-02T17:33:00

2008-04-02T22:34:49Z

Hi, my lovelies.

I miss you guys.
I'm not sure why it's more now... since I rarely see you anyway...
but 2000 miles makes me think of NOT BEiNG ABLE to see you over the summer.
word.

I'm video-ing my road trip journey:

myspace.com/weblogalot

pretty much for myself and you guys.
It's vulnerable, and that's scary.
Because I have a mighty social facade, as you know!

ohhhh... I love you.

bohofem @ 2008-02-20T00:06:00

2008-02-20T06:31:10Z

I skipped the last half of my class tonight. guilt, guilt, guilt. So the jew in me comes out.

He is heartbroken. And malicious... as a heartbroken boy typically is.

I practiced my intimate scene wit zev today and couldn't manage to... my clothes off today felt so dirty. And sex with any man, any person today seemed awful.

So now I'm at Martha's apartment. She is not here. She is at the movies. But it's an easier commute from here. Tomorrow I am presenting a scene to David Strasberg. I am also working two intense sense memories, three sisters and doubt. I feel like when tomorrow is over, I will feel... like god. But I always feel that way. That in the fall, everything will be better.

Bogged down with this pain-body. All this food, this skipping school, this guilt, hurting that boy and using it for acting, poorly using it for acting.

God, please infiltrate me. Especially my breasts, as they are seeming rather saggy today. Like my blah disposition.

bohofem @ 2007-10-30T23:32:00

2007-10-31T05:00:19Z

Boyfriends are weird. Boys are weird. I can probably count on one finger all of the straight male friends I've ever had. And I've definitely never had a straight male bestie. I wouldn't call Chris a bestie, but I would call him a friend even beside the boyfriend sense... but barely. I am a guarded little mf-er with men, and it takes self control like you wouldn't believe to not lash out at/on him.

I hung out with Chris last night, and we went to get margaritas at Don Cuco's. I hate mexican food and sports bars, but I do like a little blended tequila, so I went with it. We sat there and football was, of course, on. I sipped my margarita or three and pictured our life together in the future. And by future, I mean the weeks or months to come... I am absolutely not thinking about eternity anymore. I glaze over when I watch sports. Not that i mind having it on... I mean, I'm still getting used to being around a man in general, and it's something I know he likes, so we do spend a moderate amount of time... watching sports.

"How to make this harmonious?", I wondered. I certainly cannot go on watching sports for his pleasure. But what are we to do together? I mean, when we're just hanging out. Just chillin', if you will. I looked up to him (quite literally) and said something along the lines of...

"I sort of see the future time we will be spending together going a little something like this... we'll be hanging out at my house, sitting in front of the fireplace, cuddling, and you'll be watching football while I'm reading some method acting book. So it'll be like... we'll be together but both... okay... you know, since we don't... like, what are we supposed to do together?" And I rambled on a little more and acted like a bit of an offensive fool.

He asked me what else I liked to do in an attempt to find some common ground, I guess, and I defensively answered back things like, "reading, meditating, yoga, writing." He said he would do yoga with me.

I'm such an over-intellectualizer it's not even funny. I'm so worried about our intellectual differences, and he's fine just "doing yoga" with me... he'll even see a musical with me. I'm so conscious of consciously entertaining that I have a hard time relaxing and allowing myself to be sensually persuaded at all. I'm so conscious of perfection in all areas of my life that relaxation is something I work too hard to get and, consequently, never (or rarely, rather) experience.

Some days are harder than others when it comes to handling the remains of myself in relation to my breakup with chloe. Today was one of them.

As I study acting more and more, I am forced to allow myself to feel things, all things, even unpleasant things. But there is an objectivity in the identifying of feelings that makes feeling them a little more bearable. I'm no pro, though. And acting is not a load of fun. It's humbling beyond belief, and it's very, very human. Today was certainly hard to deal with. It was a alot of allowing my senses to trigger whatever very unpleasant emotions they wanted. I gots ta be sensitive if I wants ta act good, tho'.

I wonder when sex will stop being so upsetting in general. Not that we've had "sex," but after gayhood in the lesbian realm, everything pretty much becomes sex. It's like I have this enormous, sombering emotional block... and I'm hoping it will clear up soon. I don't ever remember aving sex and feeling euphoric or even... I just remember a lot of... not goodness. HOLLER.

PS. I am going to a donald trump convention in chicago on thursday. B JEALOUZZZ>...

bohofem @ 2007-10-06T01:17:00

2007-10-06T06:17:34Z

Holding the hand of a man is much different than holding that of a woman's.

More later ;)

bohofem @ 2007-07-21T16:02:00

2007-07-21T23:04:04Z

My Dearest Neglected Friends:

Such as Ems and Ayesha.

I am ready to crawl out of hiding.

Please come play with me!

bohofem @ 2007-06-19T02:09:00

2007-06-19T09:20:30Z

turning and turning in the widening gyre
the falcon cannot hear the falconer
things fall apart;
the center cannot hold.

In the fall, in the fall.
With its glowing shades and warm;
and cool;
Dropping dark again.
spinning and spinning...;
`n dread `n guilt `n passin' the time `n `spensive dresses `n...
spinning and turning and splat.
dreaming?;
Am.. it feels as if...
SMACK.
Ends `n storms `n wantin' `n guilt `n
dreamin`?
`n smack, it hits and --
hello, you.
hello storm and calm and change
`n scared.
`n surrender soon.
`n childhood.
`n giving it all to you, to me.
`n guilt.

Please Help Me, Son.

2006-11-18T00:59:09Z

EVERYONE INTELLIGENT:

I need a topic for my final persuausive speech. I really hate formally persuading people and I cannot think of a single side of a topic that i wholly support. I figure i don't need to believe it completely... but I'm still having trouble.

Alright:

If you could give a persuasive speech about anything to a room of college students, what would your topic be?

The topic cannot concern the following:

abortion
death penalty
marijuana legalization

or any of the other ultra-divided, super-contraversial debate items... i'm sure you get it.

thank you.

And if you aren't sure if something fits... throw it out anyway.

Wrists and biting deer.

2006-11-14T07:02:50Z

I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but if I didn't get an A on my last brit. lit. paper, I was going to commit my life to hard drugs. Fortunately, I got a 100%. Yes! it was worth an all-nighter and a pitcher of flat shirley temple. I feel like child-molestor-decoster finally realizes my BRILLIANCE. Too bad he smells and looks the way I imagine sin's brother/rapist looks like in "Paradise Lost."

I saw emily this weekend for about an hour... but no ayesha :( boo, radley. Also, no hannah or grant. Actually, it was a failure of a weekend.

Since I cannot do ANYTHING practical, i am going to take a welding class next semester. Emily thinks it's a REALLY good idea, so suck it.

The only two people whose opinions I trust concerning theatre (Emily and Chloe) told me that beauty and the beast was rroooouggh. everyone else said it was amazing. I didn't see it, but how could everyone else be so base? Hmm.. I am not sure who is on my friends list, so cheers to everyone who was in B&TB.

I've been thinking about primary objectives that i can create and experiment with a lot, lately. Hard to explain. Everyone complains that he/she cannot accomplish things. I think that this is because of self-created obstacles. For example, when a person says that he or she "cannot get a boyfriend" this is simply not true.

I have been thinking a lot about separating my emotional self from motivation and attempting different objectives. I will give examples:

Primary objective:

1. For one month, make as many close, adult male friends as possible.

This objective, however, is abstract and hard to gauge. BUT DEVILISHLY interesting to pursue and observe.

A more measurable objective would be the following:

1. For twenty minutes each day, for one week, have my picture taken with as many adult men as possible. Other details could be included such as, "each day, give the men a different inspiration for the photo: 'happy', 'poverty', 'comedy', 'distress'".

This is measurable and somewhat interesting, but not as interesting as something more abstract such as:

1."For one week, forge friendships with as many hipsters as possible" See what entails after the motivated artificiality ends.

or

2."Line up three dates for the weekend with three very unattractive men and hold the dates at very public locations AND perpetrate some act of PDA"

or

3. "Delve as far into a relationship as possible with Jesus over the course of a month"

TONS more details can be added to each. basically, i want to take suggestions for objectives, as abstract or specific and with as many or few details as possible and commit to the one that i choose. I feel like doing this will be really interesting and will remove a level of fear and emotional or prideful consequence and allow trial-and-error and the sheer pursuit of one priority. Understand? it's late, so i'm lackin' the brevity... but... I have been thinking about this a lot.

IDEAS?
QUESTIONS?
SUGGESTIONS?
JUBILATION T. CORNPONES?

bohofem @ 2006-11-04T16:52:00

2006-11-05T00:52:26Z

So, my first destination involving a freeway was going to be UCLA next weekend, but yesterday I DONE DID THE DEED.

I had to go pick up something for my teaching gig and my boss-person-thing lives in granada hills. So I picked up Chloe, got on the freeway and drove to a real place like a normal person! It was a bit scary, and I don't get the freeway, but we did it!

Once we got to the valley, we figured that we could do something RISKY. And what's riskier than NORTHRIDGE? It's a place of passion and crime, I tell you.

So, we went to a hookah bar that reminded me of Green Street Cafe... except it was underground and there were lots of indian wiggers.

As dear Chloe is under 18, I taught her the ways of the world of underage entrance. While I got carded, she hid in the bathroom like a pro.

And just as I thought my family life could not be any more harmonious... it exploded!! Why this happen, son? I hope that i am not a gay-and-not-constantly-critical-of-my-values-and-the-way-my-actions-affect-everyone adult. But also, I understand how it rolls.

I LJ-cut myself because this entry is so long.

2006-11-03T17:56:12Z

#1 IL december 27 - Jan 6.

Chloe and I bought our tickets last night and I am so pleased. I have never gotten to share that part of my life with someone, so I feel like it will be really amazing. I feel so happy that she will get away from the suburbs and meet the other amazing people who are in my life. I hope she meets a fancy boy and they have a wonderful week-long relationship. Maybe she could date a fat erich type. Or Stephen Larson. Anyway, if you live in IL, hang out with us over break. She's nice and taller than me and one of the most amazing actresses I know. But she does not cook meatballs very well.

#2: Where can i take Chloe that is in east central Illinois that would be funny/fun?

I have already thought of:

- Rockome Gardens
- The hallways of central (because we have neither black people nor hallways at SC high schools)
- sledding
- Steak and Shake and the champaign like
- do they have the farmer's market in the winter?

#3 I'm so happy that my college girls are coming home. Ayesha, Ems, Emma and I (AND JEFF DERINSKI, DAMNIT) will have an amazing weekend of bliss. And we will have heightened conversation because we've all been at COLLEGE. Well, some less than others.

#4 I am going to take my first freeway road trip to UCLA next weekend to visit hannah and her boyfriend, Grant. I fear driving :(!

#5 I am visiting Reed after I get back from IL. I hope they think I'm cute!

#6 I decided last night to extend our IL trip and that means no winter intersession classes. I thought I would feel REALLY bummed that i couldn't take 9 units... but i feel so relieved... I haven't had a break from school for long time! I can breath and think about other things? The only thing that is unfortunate is that I would have completed, by myself, not including AP credits, 50 units before second semester if I would have taken those intersession classes. I only care because 50 sounds like such a nice, rotund number :(. And I want REED to think I'm cute.

#7 I still have this huuuge desire to enter into a conservatory and major in musical theatre.

#8 I found my chest voice! But it still wants to hide. I would like a healthy mixed belt and pure belt, please.

Liquor and Love

2006-10-15T06:23:07Z

Hello.

I finally wrote a preliminary... letter to Reed. Reed is my devised heaven. And I fear it like hell. My letter consisted of about 3 sentences explaining that i was confused and didn't know to whom I should write. But I got it over with. I also got applying for my passport over with. That was such an enjoyable experience. I always love a friendly back room.

I want to talk about yesterday because it was the first good day in a while. I was able to actually eat for the first time in weeks and I felt peaceful. After taking a developmental psych test that went very well, I came home and settled into a long evening of math homework. Erin was gone and when mom and Richard left for dinner, I declared, somewhat grudgingly, that I was going to "drink wine and do math homework". After they left, sipping wine alone and doing math homework actually sounded romantic and witty. I pulled out the red wine that i always cook with and I thought that was funny. Also, we don't have "pretty" glasses, so I poured it into a chunky Tom Collins glass. I don't think it was good, but I enjoyed drinking it. I wasn't planning on getting intoxicated, but after one glass, I felt warm and thought that getting drunk by myself for the second time in my life might be a nice contrast to the first - when I was 15 and took shots of UV vodka out of a cough syrup lid. As I started to feel the liquor, I experienced the most wonderful, solitary feeling that alcohol has ever provided me. I felt a wonderful chemical change that is always skewed in social situations. I was laughing wildly and alone while playing with polynomials. I laid on my bed and read my Durang monologue a few times... probably poorly, but with little inhibition. I wrote in gold pen in my journal. I feel like substance unleashes my primary emotional state. Often, it is paranoya and sadness, but yesterday it was clarity and self-acceptance.

I called chloe and she came over. I hadn't seen her in 36 hours-ish, which is strange because she is the life partner. it was good that we hadn't seen each other and last night was wonderful without the contempt. I feel like I made her a terrible drink with pomegranate juice and lots of tequila, but I don't really remember.

When my parents came home, it was funny. I sat in my room for a moment and told chloe that I was going to see if I could pull sober off. I walked in to the hallway and greeted my mom with,

"hey mom... how was dinner?"
"good"
"where did you guys go to eat?"
"Marie Calendar's"
"oh, that's nice. Where did you guys go to eat? ... I've been drinking wine"

She said that they were hoping I'd had a drink. I laughed and joined my mom, richard and chloe in the living room. I told richard that i'd only had a glass and a half. Then he looked at my giant cup and picked up the empty wine bottle. We laughed and I explained my theories relating cultural acceptance of corporal punishment with prevalence of physical abuse within the western society... undoubtedly well, I'm sure. After the parents went to bed, chloe and I sneaked out of the house... badly... and sat on the curb in front of my lawn. Then it thundered and that was nice.

Im going to be teaching kindegarteners soon and that is weird. I feel like a kid who shouldn't be engaging in important things like... influencing the development of human beings. word.

My dad does look like Tim Gunn and today he called me a JAP. I love him a lot.

I am sooo excited about Russia. Well... excited and scared :).

I'm reading a good play for Brit. Lit called, "Valpone". And when i say reading, I mean Spark Notes.

pomp and... oh happy day.

2006-06-03T05:27:57Z

We graduated yesterday.
After the EARLY practice, I was exhausted.
It was a good time - I made best frenemies with my alphabetical counterpart, Austin Civita.

Everyone keeps asking me if I can believe I'm graduating:
Yes, I can believe it... high school was great, but... I think it would be pretty weird to not want to let go.
Plus I'm attending extended high school, COC... hahah.
Actually, it'll probably be pretty fun.
I heard you can get hypnotised for indecisiveness... yea?

So, high school...
I went through a TON emotionally, spiritually, academically.
Hmm... destructive disorders, alcoholism, amazing friends, introversion, fake extroversion, good classes (leikvold and lee), good drama teacher (Wilson), the worst theatre teachers in the universe, etc.

That's normal, right?
I mean, one of my only goals is, as plath said, to be a continually evolving entity - and I am. I'm neither content with where I am nor do i desire stagnation, but I've been built up, broken down, and I've grown into someone I like. I've gained about 35 lbs since the summer after freshman year, but i've never been so comfortable with my body. That says a lot - I couldn't imagine that when I was 14 or 15. I know that it's my responsibility and choice to tranform my reality and I'm proud that I've been working hard to change my brain chemistry and handle circumstances differently.

Oh, and I moved across the country half way through high school and went from hating canyon to generally hating canyon but adoring my friends and meeting a handful of soulmates.
My first soulmate was Emily! My spirit was altered because of her because she kicks asss.
Ayesha, Emma, Jeff, Steven, Myrna, Cageboy... I'll miss the lot.
Thanks to goodness Emma, Jeff and myrna with be joining me at the big COC!

Natasha, Myrna and Nic all left today for various states.
I went over to Natasha's to say goodbye before she left for San Antonio; Gladys put on some romantic mexican music...
It's rough leaving a significant other... as i wouldn't know.
What in the haites? I feel like a normal human being with semi-intimate relationships!
Natasha is a wonderful, wonderful soulmate (she'd be rolling her eyes if she heard me say that) and I've already learned so much from my experiences with her.
And that's what soulmates are there for.
Wow. I really never thought I'd be in a relationship... and I definitely never thought I'd turn gay!
Being gay is the best choice I ever made.
Just kidding... but it's a good one!

Oh! I think the theatre officers for next year are very good.
I hope and think that they will be a harmonious group... and I know that Garrett will never say die because he is the nuttiest boy i know.
Hopefully they'll be better than this year's faggoes (minus Emily).

Congratulations class of 2006!!! yaaay!
call me! I leave for the eternal cornfields on Tuesday, 6/6/06.
And I'm not seeing the Omen, please don't try to convince me - I'm terribly impressionable.

Jesus*And*Me<3